How Can We Know When It's Best to Forgive or Confront?
That's a good
question because most people seem to err on one side or the other. Some
people think it is best to overlook every offense and take pride in their
tolerance. However, Paul confronted the Corinthians for tolerating sin in
the church and rebuked them for failing to deal with a man living in sin (1
Cor. 5).
On the other side of
the issue are people who confront over any slight infraction and make
themselves intolerable. Are there any biblical principles to help us make
the right choice? Yes! Here are six guidelines to help you know whether to
forgive or confront.
Whenever
possible, especially if the offense is petty or unintentional, it is best to
forgive unilaterally. This is the very essence of a gracious spirit. It is
the Christlike attitude called for in Ephesians
4:1-3. We are called to maintain a gracious tolerance ("forbearance") of
others' faults. Believers should have a sort of mutual immunity to petty
offenses. Love "is not easily angered" (1 Cor.
13:5, NIV). If every fault required formal confrontation, the whole of our
church life would be spent confronting and resolving conflicts over petty
annoyances. So for the sake of peace, to preserve the unity of the Spirit,
we are to show tolerance whenever possible (see 1 Pet. 2:21-25; Mat.
5:39-40).
If you are the only
injured party, even if the offense was public and flagrant, you may choose
to forgive unilaterally. Examples of this abound in Scripture. Joseph
(Genesis 37-50), David (2 Sam. 16:5-8), and Stephen (Acts 7:60) each
demonstrated the unilateral forgiveness of Christ (Luke 23:34).
If you observe a
serious offense that is a sin against someone other than you, confront the
offender. Justice never permits a Christian to cover a sin against someone
else. While we are entitled, and even encouraged, to overlook wrongs
committed against us, Scripture everywhere forbids us to overlook wrongs
committed against another (see Ex. 23:6; Deut. 16:20;
Isa. 1:17; Isa. 59:15-16;
Jer. 22:3; Lam. 3:35-36).
When ignoring an
offense might hurt the offender, confront the guilty party. Sometimes
choosing to overlook an offense might actually injure the offender. In such
cases it is our duty to confront in love (Gal. 6:1-2).
When a sin is
scandalous or otherwise potentially damaging to the body of Christ, the
guilty party should be confronted. Some sins have the potential to defile
many people, and Scripture gives ample warning of such dangers (see Heb.
12:15; 3:13; 1 Cor. 5:1-5). In fact, Scripture
calls for the church to discipline individuals who refuse to repent of open
sin in the body, so that the purity of the body might be preserved (Matt.
18:15-20; 1 Cor. 5).
Lastly, any time an
offense results in a broken relationship, confrontation of the sinner should
occur. Any offense that causes a breach in relationships simply cannot be
overlooked. Both the offense and the breach must be confronted, and
reconciliation must be sought. And both the offended party and the offender
have a responsibility to seek reconciliation (Luke 17:3; Matt. 5:23-24).
There is never any excuse for a Christian on either side of a broken
relationship to refuse to pursue reconciliation.
The only instance where such a conflict should remain unresolved is if all the steps of discipline in Matthew 18 have been exhausted and the guilty party still refuses to repent.